SATIRZ

Billionaires These Two Things Happened On The Same Week. Lauren Sánchez Bezos wore Versace to the Met. Jeff Bezos wore a tuxedo. Amazon warehouse workers in the UK, Germany, and France staged coordinated walkouts over pay and conditions. The Met Gala theme was "Superfine: Tailoring Black Style." Fashion journalists noted the tailoring. Labour journalists noted the walkouts. These are different publications. By Forbes Watcher , Satirz Billionaires Desk  |  May 11, 2026 NEW YORK/LONDON/FRANKFURT — On the first Monday of May, Jeff Bezos and his fiancée Lauren Sánchez Bezos attended the Metropolitan Museum of Art's annual Costume Institute Gala — an event whose tickets start at $75,000 per person, whose dress code is interpreted by the world's most photographed humans, and whose red carpet generates more international media coverage than most natural disasters and several actual wars. On the same week, Amazon workers in the United Kingdom, Germany, and France staged coord...

  Sports The TV Numbers Are Breaking Records. Everyone Is Pretending This Is A Surprise. It Is Not A Surprise. Caitlin Clark's second WNBA season opened to record attendance and broadcast numbers. Indiana Fever games are selling out arenas that haven't sold out in years. Analysts are "shocked." The analysts were also "shocked" last year. At some point the shock should become expectation. We are not there yet. By Buzzer Beater Jones , Satirz Sports  |  May 11, 2026 INDIANAPOLIS — The 2026 WNBA season opened this week. The Indiana Fever's first home game sold out Gainbridge Fieldhouse — a 17,000 seat arena — for the second consecutive year. The league's national TV numbers for opening week are up 47% year over year. Merchandise sales broke records before the season started. Three other franchises have reported sellouts or near-sellouts on the strength of their matchups against Fever road games. Sponsors who had never previously considered WNBA partners...

Tech & AI  This Week Students Are Devastated, Then Briefly Hopeful, Then Devastated Again When Classes Continued Anyway. Instructure's Canvas — the learning management system used by more than half of North American universities — was hit by a ransomware breach this week. Colleges warned students not to log in. Students did not log in. Assignments still existed. Professors found other ways to assign them. This is the cruelest possible outcome. By Silicon Valet , Satirz Tech Desk  |  May 11, 2026 EVERYWHERE WITH A STUDENT ID — A ransomware group claimed credit this week for a data breach of Canvas, the cloud-based learning management system used by more than half of North American higher education institutions — meaning, in practical terms, more than half of American college students woke up on Friday to an IT department email saying "do not log into Canvas" and experienced, in that precise order: confusion, then hope, then a professor emailing them a PDF of the assign...

Hollywood Spencer Pratt From The Hills. That Spencer Pratt. He Is Serious. He Has Given An Interview. He Has Positions On Policy. The former reality TV villain who spent six seasons manufacturing drama on The Hills and once famously hoarded crystals in a mansion is now running for the nation's second-largest city on what appears to be a genuine platform. Los Angeles has seen stranger things. Mostly because Los Angeles is Los Angeles. By Box Office Betty , Satirz Entertainment & Governance Desk  |  May 11, 2026 LOS ANGELES — Spencer Pratt, who viewers of The Hills will remember as the man who made passive-aggression into an art form across six seasons of reality television between 2006 and 2010, who subsequently became famous for spending his MTV money on crystals and staging his own media disappearance, and who more recently has rehabilitated himself as a self-aware podcast personality and father — is running for Mayor of Los Angeles. He confirmed this in an exclusive inte...

  Internet 🔴 Breaking Today The Internet Has Already Decided This Is The Next Pandemic. The CDC Has Asked Everyone To Calm Down. Nobody Is Calming Down. 8 cases. 3 deaths. 147 passengers across 23 countries. A rodent-borne virus from Antarctica somehow spreading on a luxury expedition ship. 17 Americans now in a federal quarantine unit in Omaha. The WHO says it's not COVID. The internet has already made a TikTok about it. By Chronically Online Correspondent   |  May 11, 2026 OMAHA, NEBRASKA — The MV Hondius, a Dutch-flagged expedition cruise ship that departed Ushuaia, Argentina on April 1, 2026 and traveled to Antarctica, South Georgia Island, Tristan da Cunha, Saint Helena, and Ascension Island before docking in the Canary Islands yesterday, has delivered 17 American passengers to Nebraska's National Quarantine Unit — the only federally funded quarantine facility in the United States, which has previously handled Ebola patients in 2014 and Diamond Princess COVID ...

Politics This Week Taiwan, Iran, rare earths, semiconductors, trade, AI, the Strait of Hormuz, and whatever else fits on a two-day agenda. Trump calls it "a great meeting." Beijing calls it "complex." The other 190 countries call it "please don't accidentally trade away our interests while we're not in the room." By D.C. Burnside , Satirz Washington Correspondent  |  May 11, 2026 WASHINGTON/BEIJING — Donald Trump boards Air Force One for Beijing on Wednesday for his first visit to China since 2017 and his first face-to-face with Xi Jinping in over six months. The agenda covers trade, Taiwan, rare earth export controls, Iran, artificial intelligence, the Strait of Hormuz, Boeing aircraft sales, American agricultural purchases, and, tucked in somewhere on day two, the question of whether two countries that have been imposing escalating tariffs and sanctions on each other for two years can get along well enough to agree on what to have for lunch. The...

  Sports The Oklahoma City Thunder. The Cleveland Cavaliers. The Minnesota Timberwolves. And Tyrese Haliburton's Indiana Pacers, who are here again, somehow, against all reasonable expectations, playing good basketball in a building full of people who cannot believe it either. By Buzzer Beater Jones   |  May 11, 2026  |  Sports / NBA NEW YORK — The 2026 NBA Playoffs Conference Finals are set. Oklahoma City Thunder, built around Shai Gilgeous-Alexander and a roster whose average age is 24, which is unsettling. Cleveland Cavaliers, who went 64-18 in the regular season and are the best team in the East by a margin that made the entire conference somewhat depressing to watch from February onwards. Minnesota Timberwolves, who have Anthony Edwards doing things that should not be physically possible for a human in shoes. And the Indiana Pacers, who have Tyrese Haliburton and a genuine belief that hustle is a strategy, which is either heartwarming or delusional dep...